get rather moody when on the way home on bus... maybe because i am all alone bahs... have been thinking thru the journey home from orchard... suddenly feel that i am so alone... went shopping with few of my friends... see them 2 by 2 de... i also dunno why but just feel sad... sometimes i just need a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold on to...someone to talk to... and someone there for me when i need it... just tt simple... but i just cant find... the feeling i have now is just beyond words...

although i know that i got quite a number of problems to solve... and maybe simply give up might solve all the things... but i dun wan...and i cant...maybe i just fall too deep in le...that i cant even control myself anymore... although i know is not possible now... too many problems around us..but i just cant stop myself from thinking abt him... every single now and then, i would just look at my hp hoping to see his msg or wat de... i dunno why i become like this... i hate myself for behaving like this, but what can i do?? i wan to treat him just like a friend... but why is it so difficult? have been missing him all the times... but is like we are difting further and further... maybe is better this way bahs... he can just concentrate on his 2 prob and choose between them... im not joining in to complex anything... or maybe i wont make much different to it too... i am just insignificant compare to them...

my mind is really in a mess now... i tot i can treat him just like a friend.. but why is it so difficult...i cannot stopped thinking about him, even a single msg from him could just make me happy or sad for the rest of the day... and is like getting colder each there... why cant he treat me better,nicer... last time almost everyday get to talk... but hardly get to talk to him nowadays... busy and busy is all he say... maybe i am just asking too much... he is not my who... in what position am i suppose to ask him to call me every now and den... WAKE UP PLS!!!!! DUN DREAM ANYMORE!!! WATHEVER U HOPE WONT COME TRUE!! wont come true... xiaoojin... you know everything wont come true... why are u still so silly... waiting for something that wont come true...why?

dunno why nowadays like to cry so much... just cant control... stupid me...

met him just now to pass him his birthday present...just for a while only... actually wanted to stay a little longer ... but he already say le need to go home.. so yah... think i shouldnt have this thinking at all... everything is different... but just dunno why just feel sad... maybe as what i had say... i just fall too deep in... till i cant even control myself already.

just dunno why i act so stubbornly this time... for the past few relationships, i will feel hurt, i will feel sad...but just for a while only...cause i know they are not worth for me to be sad over... i can easily give up, easily let go... but not this time round...this is the 2nd relationship that i seriously treat it... really seriously... thru all the r/s i had... i learnt how to treasure, how to appreciate the other ones.i agree that i was once unreasonable, or maybe now still unreasonable, bad tempered etc etc...i also dunno how to explain why i will react this way, esp toward my another one. i am very easy-going with all my friends... cause i dun have any expectation from them, but not to my another ones...i expect he can treat me seriously(who will wan just a play-play r/s),treat me nice,be there when i need him... just that simple... but normally simple thing are just hard to find...actually i dun expect much from him... or i cant expect much from him too le...i will just take a step at a time and see what lies in the future bahs... no one will know wat will happen in the future...but i know that no matter what i just cant let go... stupid me right.. so i will just have to keep myself busy to forget everything... there a lot of thing in my mind that i could only pour it here...i could not tell him... i know it will only make everything worst... at least now i still can decieve myself to talk to him like a friend, although it hurts sometimes... but i still feel a bit happier to hear his voice... i damn dumb dumb la..but wat to do?

might be going oversea during march.. not confirm yet...if not going i might just get a job and keep myself busy all the time... if going... will get a job too after i back from oversea... just wanna keep myself busy to stop myself from anyhow think...maybe this is a better way bahs...running away from reality...

maybe time is all what we need now...and maybe is better that he never choose me... i am just not good...damn not good... not worth at all...i am just not worth for anyone...


just wonder that if i suddenly just vanish... would anyone worry and care abt me?.. will he worry abt me, will he search for me? impossible right? suddenly think of zhiwei again... till now i still dunno why he commit sucuide... just so suddenly...just over a night everything changes... is already 4 yr ago thingy le...memories still linger in our mind... give a thought about it... if we show more care and concern toward him... treasure him more as a friend and classmate... maybe he could just share his prob and he wont choose that irrevisible path... but wadever say cant be change now... i really learnt a lot ... if u love, care abt someone... tell him/her... cause no one will know what will happen in the future...dun think too much, dun be scare that u might make a wrong choice and hurt that person, treasure everything before you... dun regret only when u really lost that someone... make up ur mind on wat u really wan... ur heart should already know what you want... just depend on whether u wan to accept or not...

i already know what i really want... but nevermind... i wont say it again... cause i already try it before... i will just keep it to myself... just dun wanna make thing more complicated... hmmm... maybe everything is simple to him... just that i think till too complicated....